This is the 'Can we do jokes' thread, Roger, not the 'Not In Your Wildest Dreams' one.

I was going to say "Give that man a prize" then "Take him to a psychiatrist".

Paddy and Murphy on a building site.

A slate falls of the roof slicing Paddy's ear off.

Murphy finds it and says, "Is this yours Paddy".

"No Paddy, mine had a pencil behind it."

Reporting the death of his wife, a thrifty Yorkshire farmer visited the offices of the Yorkshire Post. After 50 years of happily married life he felt that an obituary would be in order.

When the receptionist informed the farmer of the cost, he exclaimed in true Yorkshire fashion.

“How Much? I want summat simple. My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ‘ave wanted nowt swanky.”

"Perhaps a small poem?” suggested the woman at the desk.

“Nay,” said the farmer. “She wunt ‘ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put; ‘Gladys Braithwaite’s died.’”

"You need to say when,” he was told by the receptionist.

“Do I? Well, put there: Died 17th March 2015. That’ll do.”

“It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.”

The farmer considered this proposal for a moment. “Well, put in, ‘Sadly missed.’ That’ll do.’

“You can have another four words,” explained. the woman.

“No, no!” he cried, “she wouldn’t ‘ave wanted me to splash out.”

“But the extra four words are included in the price,” the woman told him.

“Are they? You mean I’ve paid for ‘em?”

“Yes, indeed.”

“Well, if I’ve paid for ‘em,” exclaimed the man, “then I’m ‘avin’ ‘em.”

The following obituary appeared in the Yorkshire Post the next morning.

Gladys Braithwaite died
17th March 2016
Sadly missed
Also Tractor for sale.

Posted that one back in March, on to my new favouritist joke of the moment
After being eliminated from the spelling bee the Yorkshire jockey was heard to say "how were I to naw it were spelled "hospice" "

Definition of Tape-measure, somthing to tell the height of a gorilla

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Two businessmen in the centre of Hay Street were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

"You know these senior citizens are such nosy parkers"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, Must be doing well then... only two left."

Anyone got an owners manual for a wife? Mines giving off a terrible whining noise.

Little Johnie is stood in the dinner queue at School
Right then what are you having today? Asks the dinner lady
Taters stew n peas he says wiping the snot from his nose on his sleeve
Haven''t you forgotten something ? says the dinner lady waiting to start serving him with a smile on her face
Johnie thinks a moment and says Oh aye yer right.............gravy!

Just been to the gym, they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half hour as I started to feel sick! Its great though - it does everything... KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps.

Lost Love

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he's left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".

The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

Quote: Deeps wrote in post #205

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Anyone got an owners manual for a wife? Mines giving off a terrible whining noise.

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Zitat

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This is a very common problem among men, but it is due mostly to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge Wife 1.0 from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support;" this was given to you at time of registration with Wife 1.0. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In fact I would suggest you use this command every time Wife 1.0 crashes on your system. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 or Movies 4.5. Do not, under any circumstances, install Visual Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Recent surveys show add-ons like Visual Dress 2.0, Diamond Necklace 3.0, and A Quick Tour To Temple 1.0 are the best Third Party tools supported by Wife 1.0 to allow it to run smoothly and effectively.

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Best of luck!

Woman appears in court charged with murder after beating her husband to death with his guitar collection
The Judge addresses her "1st offender?"
"No 1st a Gibson then a Fender"